Corona Virus Car Wash

Spam calls were ruining my life. 

I stood in the parking lot cradling the car wash attendant's cell phone and dialed my mother's number again. No answer. Of course there was no answer. No person in this day and age answers a call from an unknown number unless they really do need to renew their car warranty or are hoping by some great chance someone wants to talk to them about their student loans. I hung up. I bit my lip. My phone, my keys, and my wallet stared out at me from the passenger seat of my locked car. The car wash attendant smiled awkwardly "No answer? Uh-oh." 

Fueled by perfectionism, and with great attention to the task at hand, I scrubbed at the crevices between all the buttons on the inside of the car door and closed it with the calming sense of satisfaction. This delightful sensation plummeted precipitously as I went to open the next door. A thump as the handle pulled away from the door teasingly and fell back into it's cradle without granting access. THIS COULD NOT BE. I tried it three times because I am perfectly sane. I tried the back door and, for good measure, circled around to the other side. Thump, thump, thump. "Maybe the trunk..." I thought, followed by "Lady get it together." Fine, moving on. I froze for a moment, enjoying the small thrill of hope (or maybe denial), before I patted all my pockets looking for the keys that were not there. 

This was not how I planned to spend my day. 

This was better. 

There was only one thing worse than things going wrong- it was when things went perfectly right. I wasn't wired for that. I didn't have the stuff of a well adjusted adult. I wasn't made for happily ever after. I was a 'lock yourself out of your car", "accidentally stab yourself with a box knife", "A/C goes out middle of July" kind of girl. I didn't need complete catastrophe but I couldn't tolerate bliss either. Just a steady succession of small mishappenings and personal predicaments struck the right balance in my fucked up brain chemicals.

I'd spent the weekend in a stew of blah. I knew "individuals with mental health issues" has the potential to struggle most during the social isolation of a global pandemic. But after many years of painstakingly climbing Maslow's hierarchy of needs I was hesitant to complain out loud about my position, perched comfortably above "physical safety" but not yet to surpass the threshold for "love and belonging". I felt very alone but I was also safe. I had food, shelter, relative good health, economic security... how could I, in good conscious, bemoan not being able to indulge in an all day movie marathon at the local theatre or surviving 9 months without dinner with friends? 

We were all in this together. There was not even the illusion that my suffering was unique and warranting great sympathy because all were suffering AT LEAST THIS MUCH, many people, much more. So, what then? Depression and anxiety turn inward. Thoughts circle a conversation where you imagine you're telling your therapist the great anguish of the 36th straight weekend at home. The conversation where you lay bare that your deepest fear has come to fruition: you have come to the end of all well made, or even remotely interesting, streaming content (you have forged on and endured at least 3 episodes of Hoarders that featured crap and cats to the ceilings); there is nothing left in your home that can be DIYed or Fixer Uppered unless you endeavor to becoming *actually* skilled and that isn't happening (refer back to fucked up brain chemistry at this time); and in the face of a complete lack of physical social interaction you still cannot find worth in the cesspool of social media. You still don't say this to your therapist. It somehow feels beside the point. 

Perhaps it could be enough to simply admit you are suffering AS MUCH AS *some*. Maybe with a qualifier. Maybe the addition of "I know I'm lucky but..." or "I am grateful and I know so many have it so much worse but...". And you decide that might be the healthiest way to handle it. Maybe then you can both complain and also hold onto your determined perception of yourself as someone who has 'perspective'. BE REASONABLE.