Do people on antidpressants cry

You ask me if I feel flat. You ask if I feel dysphoria. Am I feeling stable? Am I having any medication side effects?

You are asking me to describe the landscaping of Scotland and to map out for you missing landmarks and changed terrain. Can I first visit this strange land? Can you show me what a mountain is? Where it is suppose to be and where it should not be? Can you dip me in the river and let me feel what is water? Can you let me see its path and the valley it has carved? Can you offer to me the native grasses and show me where they grow and what a flower is? 

Throw me a fucking Rand McNally for chrissake.

You are showing me a goddamn Highlights activity. You want me to find the differences between two pictures and you only offer me one of the two. I don't know what's missing. I don't know what belongs. I don't know how many chairs the table had or if the treehouse had a ladder. I don't know if the child is suppose to be missing a tooth.

I walk in the cold. I'm two days overdue to pick up the refill on my SSRI. I can feel it leaving my system today. I can feel the sweet sorrow and the depth of want for love when I hear a beautiful song. I can feel the cold on my face, the tightness in my chest, my sticky runny nose and I feel the crying happen. I am crying. I am crying because I feel something. I feel sad. I haven't felt it since I last lapsed on my medication. I wonder now-  her asking me the landscape, her asking the side effects- do people on antidepressants cry?

Can I have all the emotions without the depression? Can I have all the emotions without them carrying me away in a river I don't know? Without falling off a mountain I don't understand? Can I have all the emotions without moving the vase in the living room 20 times over until it feels just right and noticing the couch isn't level and beginning the perseveration all over again?

Will Scotland become a memory I can access from my childhood or will I visit for the first time in my adulthood? Will I have a link to it from my past or will I experience it for the first time? Will I ever know its landscape? Will I ever trust I can't get lost and that I can't be fooled when you disappear an entire mountain? I'd like to think, yes.

 

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